It's been a while, dear void, and my heart is troubled. Why these anxious feelings? Why this sudden lack of discipline or motivation? Where did my passionate pursuit of God go? I blame it on the cold and the headaches that result. I credit it to less sleep (which I know is certainly not the case) and the overwhelming feelings of deadlines and projects that loom overhead. My goal in all of this is not to be moved by my circumstances, yet I lie in bed in the mornings pondering over my upcoming day and I fret. Aren't His mercies new every morning? Don't I rise having not made any mistakes yet today? How can I righteously lie there contemplating the wrongs and unfortunalities that await me?

You know that song, "Count Your Many Blessings"? I know, I learned it way back in preschool, but I think on that and I know I have so much to be grateful for, so much to praise the Lord for. -and I do!! I praise Him, I live in thankfulness and gratitude for keeping me from what I could have become. Don't 'they' always tell us that if we just think on those things we can't help but see past our present circumstances? I've discovered this not to be true. Sometimes, even in the midst of our greatest feats of strength, we sink in despondency. Where is that firm, solid ground we once stood on? It is not the ground that has moved from under my feet, but I have moved onto sandy bottoms that shift as I flee. Sand only feels motionless when I am completely still; often I don't even realize the water of my emotions pulling the sand out from underneath me as it makes its way back out to sea.

So, where does that leave me, void? Only in the precious knowledge that whether I feel it our not His grace sustains.

The Basin and the Towel

John 13

I was skeptical; I think uncertainty makes me a little skeptical. Wednesday I experienced a real foot washing for the first time. My RD washed my feet. It was humbling, but it didn't seem to emotionally affect me. I was challenged by our time of prayer, and contemplative, but there were girls in tears sharing how the Lord had humbled them through the experience. Today the officers did it for all the girls in Vibbard. I got to wash the feet of two girls that mean the world to me. I was thrilled to serve them, but I found as we were sitting there listening to Hillary speak that I hadn't even prepared my heart for this time. I had talked to my Father this morning about it, but sitting there in the Pit my mind was more focused on making sure everyone else had their mind where it was supposed to be. Just before "The Basin and the Towel" began to play I realized I wasn't thinking this through. What was the purpose in Christ washing the disciples' feet? He was showing them that they were clean but not perfect. He was showing them that He was the only One who could clean them. And the only part we can really emulate was service. Christ, their Master, was serving them.

As I was washing their feet they were both crying. As we prayed they continued to cry. There was an intense desire within me to join them in their tears, but none would come. I sat there outwardly emotionless, but inwardly in turmoil with myself. Why could I not feel?! Here I was looking like Jesus to them outwardly by serving them, yet was I really serving them? Or, was I just going through the motions? I hate this about myself. Lord, where is my heart? Am I so filled with pride that I can't even weep with those who weep? Please, why do the tears just not come when I long for them to?

Then I think, did I not become emotional because I've already relinquished this, I've already learned that leaders are servants and it takes humility to be served just as to serve? Did I not join in their tears because I've been there? But then I still am fighting with myself because whether I've learned the lessons or not is entirely irrelevant. They are learning them and in that I can both rejoice and weep with them. I do not feel deeply enough. I am shamed at my arrogance.

These are not easy words to write. It is never easy to come face to face with yourself. I feel guilty just now of looking in the mirror and turning away. Maybe I just need to look at myself long enough to see just how disheveled I truly am.

We are healed!

Isaiah 53:5 - "and by His scourging we are healed."

We are healed.

I find myself sometimes slipping into despondency, woe is me, pitying myself. But He was pierced through for my transgressions so that I might have that cavern filled. He was crushed for my iniquities that I might soar on wings as eagles far removed from that previous pressure. He was chastened for my well-being; He felt the whip laced with my sins; He endured the thorns that my iniquity formed; and worst of all He experienced the weight of His Father's shame who could not even look upon His most precious Son because my guilt shrouded His perfection. If left with these thoughts it would only be right to not just slip but wallow in despondency.

In this is beauty: we are healed. We are no more to sink into guilt and despair. If we allowed ourselves to do that we would negate the purpose in why He came at all. It was to take the punishment we deserved upon Himself so that we might "be healed." I am not broken any longer. I am not sick or ailing. I am not dying. I am alive because of His death (Rom. 6). He has sown up the wounds and raised this dead woman to life. How dare I ever live as though I were dead! That is a slap in the face of the One who died. May it never be!

When the soul's in anquish

When the soul's in anguish where does it turn? When it is seeking truth where does it dig? When it is striving for comfort and a place to lay its head where is its battle ground? It depends on the source of the soul. If it is found in the world, it turns to the world. If it is found in Christ, it turns to Christ. If it exists in the world, it seeks in the world. If it exists in Christ, it seeks in Christ. If is wages war in the world, that is its battle ground. If it wages spiritual warfare, that is its battle ground.

In these past twelve hours of soul anguish I have cried out the Lord from a sincere heart, from one that wants nothing but what comes from His hand. I have wept innumerable tears, delved immeasurable depths for the truth of what He wants from me. Can someone tell me why He is so hard to find when I am reaching for Him more than ever? I stretch and I push and I just can't seem to find Him. He's there; I know it. He is faithful beyond all others. So, what do I do when I feel like I've done all I physically can? "I have not the strength to do this on my own." What do I do when I can't take another breath? (breathe once more) What do I do when I can't run another step? (take one more) What do I do when I can't make another stroke? (reach once more) It is the rule of athleticism , of perseverance, of discipline: when you don't feel that you can go any further, try once more.

If it were up to me I could come up with the "once more" every time, at least when it comes to my mind, my body, and the like. But when it comes to my soul, I am at a loss. Try as I might, I am debilitated. "But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, 'God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble,'" James 4:6.

I write to you...

Why does writing seem to free the soul to express things it wouldn't normally? I've never been nervous to start a blog, but I hesitated because of the feelings of rejection or neglect - why would anyone ever take the time to read what I have to say? It doesn't matter though. My purpose is merely to express my thoughts to the void, my second avenue of release (my primary being continual conversation with the Lord, Most High). If anyone chooses to read these meandering words they do so at their own peril. I take no responsibility for the wasted time; but if you are encouraged, or challenged, get a good laugh, or shed a tear I am grateful. I desire all that I do to glorify my Father.

"Grapho humin" simply means "I am writing to you" in Greek. Thanks, Bryan (my old Greek teacher). The 'you' may not mean to you individually but to this cosmic void. So with that, to end my first post -

Good night, dear void.